I received a gift subscription to Parents Magazine awhile back. It’s a good easy read and I’ve enjoyed getting it. The July issue included an article entitled, “Say the Right Thing,” that gives tips for talking to friends going through difficult circumstances. I was glad to see a section called ‘When A Friend Has A Miscarriage’ because I know from personal experience that someone suffering from a miscarriage needs the support of her family & friends. It was well-written and full of good tips (see below), but what really caught my attention was a quote from the author of The Mother of All Pregnancy Books, Ann Douglas.

“Even a very early miscarriage is the loss of a baby, and that causes grief.”

This is absolutely a true statement and I can attest to it personally. The interesting part, though, is that if this is a true statement, then it is also true that even a very early abortion is the loss of a baby, and that, too, causes grief. Because it can’t be just how ‘wanted’ the baby was that defined her. After all, there is no difference between a baby who is lost to miscarriage and a baby who is lost to abortion except whether or not her mother chose to end the pregnancy. So why is it so easy for us to compartmentalize these two losses and recognize the humanity of one lost soul and not the other? How can we sympathize with the mother who has lost a baby to miscarriage while fighting to keep abortion legal? As a country, we need to come to terms with this colossal discrepancy.

Like I said the article did have very good tips about how to respond to a friend who’d had a miscarriage and I’d like to share them here:

DON’T SAY:

“It was just meant to be.” It’s easy to be philosophical when it’s not happening to you.

“Are you going to try again?” When someone’s grieving the loss of an unborn child, she doesn’t really want to think about another just yet. (I remember saying, I don’t want “another” baby, I want this baby.)

“At least you know you can get pregnant!” Right. But she also knows she can lose the baby. Not something she wants to be reminded of.

DO SAY

“I’m so sorry to hear about what happened.”

“I’m here if you feel like talking about it.”

“Can I watch your kids or run errands for you? I’d like to help in any way I can.”

Additionally, giving the baby a name was very important for us and I appreciated when people asked what we’d named the baby. We called our first baby Hope and our second baby (who was lost to an ectopic pregnancy) we named Noah.

I also want to share a resource for those who may be suffering from an abortion or know someone who is grieving the loss of a baby in that way. Project Rachel is a ministry of the Catholic Church. According to their website, “The priests and counselors in the Project Rachel network understand the pain and loss that follow abortion. They have led thousands of grieving women and men from despair to hope and peace.” There is also a beautiful message from John Paul II to women who have had an abortion that I’d like to share:

The Church is aware of the many factors which may have influenced your decision, and … does not doubt that in many cases it was a painful and even shattering decision. The wound in your heart may not yet have healed. Certainly what happened was and remains terribly wrong. But do not give in to discouragement and do not lose hope. Try rather to understand what happened and face it honestly.

If you have not already done so, give yourselves over with humility and trust to repentance. The Father of mercies is ready to give you his forgiveness and his peace in the Sacrament of Reconciliation. You will come to understand that nothing is definitively lost and you will also be able to ask forgiveness from your child, who is now living in the Lord.

With the friendly and expert help and advice of other people and as a result of your own painful experience, you can be among the most eloquent defenders of everyone’s right to life. Through your commitment to life, whether by accepting the birth of other children or by welcoming and caring for those most in need of someone to be close to them, you will become promoters of a new way of looking at human life.

Pope John Paul II
The Gospel of Life
sec. 99 (1995)